GASLIGHTING

GASLIGHTING 

The term “Gaslighting” comes from the 1944 film, “Gaslight”, with Charles Boyer and Ingrid Bergman, which was a psychological thriller about a woman’s husband and his obsessive interest in the home the woman returns to ten years after her aunt was murdered.  The woman begins to notice strange things going on like missing pictures, strange footsteps in the night, and gaslights that dim without being touched.  He attempts to trick his wife into believing she is going insane. 

To Gaslight someone is to psychologically manipulate a person, psychological control, usually over an extended period of time by deliberately and systemically feeding false information that leads the victim to question the validity of their own thoughts, perception of reality, or memories and experiences confusion, loss of confidence and self-esteem, and doubts concerning their own emotional or mental stability.  You might think someone who is gaslighting you would only lie about big things that they could cover up or hide.  But that’s not the case.  They often lie about all things big and small just to throw you off.  The gaslighter will grossly mislead or deceive someone especially for one’s own advantage.  Victims are targeted at the core of their being: their sense of identity and self-worth.  Manipulative people who engage in gaslighting do so to attain power over their victims, either because they simply derive warped enjoyment from the act or because they wish to emotionally, physically or financially control their victim.

Gaslighting usually happens in a power dynamic, but it’s not always intentional or malicious.  The manipulator holds enough power that the target of the gaslighting is terrified to change up the relationship or step out of the gaslighting dynamic because of the threat of losing that relationship, or the threat of being seen as less than who you want to be seen as to them, is quite a threat.  If it’s happening by someone you love you love and care about, you’re going to want to believe the other person, and the gaslighter may use that against you.  Many people change their perceptions in order to avoid having a conflict.

Gaslighting begins with a relationship with a gaslighter may seem to start out quite well. They may praise the victim on a first date and immediately confide in them. Such disclosure, of a tactic known as love bombing.  The more quickly a victim becomes enamored, the more quickly the next phase of manipulation can begin.  Love bombing is a form of psychological and emotional abuse that involves a person going above and beyond for you in an effort to manipulate you into a relationship with them. It looks different for every person, but it usually involves some form of: Excessive flattery and praise, over-communication of their feelings for you, showering you with unneeded/unwanted gifts, and early and intense talks about your future together. Driven by the person’s insecurities, inability to trust, and dependence on other people.  Although anybody can do it, love bombing is most often associated with people who have an anxious or insecure attachment style or narcissistic personality disorder. 

Be aware of gaslighting if you start to question yourself a lot.  Recognizing that you or someone you care about might be in a “gaslight tango” is not always as straightforward as it might seem because it can start in very subtle ways, and often involves two people (or groups of people) who would otherwise seem to care about one another very much.

The techniques a gaslighter might use to manipulate someone else can include:

• Withholding (meaning he or she refuses to listen or says they don’t understand)
• Countering (when the abuser questions the gaslightee’s memory of an event)
• Blocking/diverting (when the abuser changes the subject or questions the victim’s thinking)
• Trivializing (making the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant)
• Forgetting/denial (when the manipulator pretends to have forgotten what actually happened or denies something he or she had previously agreed to)
• Changing the subject (or refusing to listen when confronted about a lie or other gaslighting behavior)
• Pretending that they fail to understand what you are saying
• Repeating that you recall something wrongly
• Flattery (building you up only to shut you down)
• Twisting your experiences or thoughts to favor their viewpoints
• Giving you the impression that your ideas and feelings don’t matter
• Informing you something never occurred
• Using what you love against you
• They tell blatant lies (you know it’s an outright lie, but they tell you this lie with a straight face, keeping you unsteady.
• They deny they ever said something, even though you have proof (you know it, they deny it)
• They wear you down over time (it is done gradually, over time; a lie here, a lie there, a snide comment every so often, and it gets bigger and more often; anyone can get sucked in
• Their actions do not match their words (look at what they are doing and not what they are saying, what they are saying is just talk, what they are doing is the issue
• They throw in positive reinforcement to confuse you (the person that is cutting you down, is now praising you for something you did, then you think they are not so bad, which is very calculated and an attempt to throw you off
• They know confusion weakens people (gaslighters know that people like a sense of stability and normalcy, so their goal is to constantly make you question everything
• They project, Shifting Blame (if they are a drug user or a cheater, they will constantly accuse you of that, doing it so often making you feel the need to defend yourself constantly, distracted by the gaslighter’s own behavior, saying that if you acted differently, they wouldn’t treat you like this, so it’s really your fault
• They try to align people against you (gaslighters are masters at manipulating and finding the people they know will stand by them not matter what, and they use these people against you, making statements like “This person knows that you are not right”, making you feel like you don’t know who to trust or turn to, leading you right back to the gaslighter, which is exactly what they want
• They tell you or others that you are crazy (this is one of the most effective tools of the gaslighter, because it’s dismissive, the gaslighter’s master technique is to get you to question your sanity and that people will not believe you when you tell them the gaslighter is abusive and out-of-control
• They tell you everyone else is a liar (again, making you question your reality, making you turn to the gaslighter for the “correct” information, which isn’t the “correct” information at all.
• Trying to smooth things over with loving words that don’t match their actions
• Twisting their story to minimize their abusive behavior
• Minimizing their hurtful behavior or words (by saying things like, “It was just a joke” or “You’re too sensitive”.

And note that a gaslighter will oftentimes start with something that is true that you might be particularly sensitive about to hook you. 

Love bombing tends to occur in three phases: 

1. The Idealization Phase: During this phase, your partner bombards you with excessive love and affection to draw you in and convince you to let your guard down. At first, it may seem too good to be true or easy to be swept off your feet.
2. The Devalution Phase: Once you’ve let your guard down and get comfortable in the relationship, red flags start to appear. Your partner may try to exert control over you in a variety of ways. They may become more demanding of your time and get upset when you make plans without them. They may also try to limit access to your friends and family, and gaslight you into thinking nothing is wrong with their behavior. In the most severe cases, they may use fear and intimidation to get you to behave differently than you normally would and even resort to physical violence.
3. The Discard Phase:  When you confront them about their harmful behavior or try to reset healthy boundaries, your partner may avoid accountability by refusing to cooperate and compromise or by abandoning the relationship. This can leave you feeling confused, disoriented or like you somehow failed to fix things. 

When it ends, you might have conflicting emotions because while you’ve had this attachment or love for the person who love bombed you, you also might feel anger or sadness about how things went down. Often, they will try to come back and repeat the process by checking in with you — and that’s when you run the risk of getting sucked back in.

How to Tell If Someone Is Gaslighting You and Eroding Your Mental Health:

The most damaging gaslighting abuse symptoms are the ones that take root in a victim’s mind and begin to wear away at their self-worth and trust in themselves. Here are some of the mental health consequences of being gaslit.

1. Having trouble making even simple decisions
2. Making excuses for your partner’s behavior to family or friends
3. Constantly second-guessing yourself
4. Blaming yourself for the way the other person treats you
5. Trying to convince yourself that their behavior isn’t really that bad
6. Walking on eggshells around the other person
7. Believing that you are too sensitive
8. Questioning your own feelings, judgments, and observations
9. Feeling lonely and trapped
10. Doubting your own memory and sanity
11. Staying silent rather than speaking up about what you think or believe Being on edge and feeling threatened all the time
12. Thinking you can’t do anything right and feeling disappointed in who you have become
13. Spending a lot of time apologizing for your actions.

Ways to Counteract Gaslighting Abuse Symptoms:

Once you’ve figured out how to tell if someone is gaslighting you, the next step is removing yourself from the relationship, if at all possible, and avoiding other potential gaslighting situations. Here are some ways to take action and protect yourself if you are being gaslit in a relationship or at work.

Recognize the warning signs.  Gaslighting is not an overnight occurrence.  Instead perpetrators repeatedly trick, deceive, and manipulate to wear down victims over time.  The insidious nature of gaslighting generally leaves victims feeling lost and confused without noticing the steps that got them there.  However, there are definite signs that may indicate early gaslighting tactics, such as repeatedly being lied to, being isolated by family and friends, attempts to turn others against you, etc.

Listen to your gut.  If you feel that something isn’t right in your relationship, don’t ignore your intuition. 

Don’t be ashamed.  As gaslighters are masater manipulators, anyone may be drawn into their tactics, regardless of intelligence.

Talk to others about what’s happening. Don’t let the gaslighter separate you from friends, family, or colleagues who care about you and respect your viewpoint. Share what’s going on with as many people as possible so they can validate your experience.

Focus on actions, not words. A gaslighter may sometimes tell you what you want to hear in order to keep you in the relationship. But their words are meaningless if their behaviors don’t change as well.

Try not to react.  If you can avoid acting afraid or upset, do so.  Just like all bullies and perpetrators, gaslighters are reinforced by their ability to get under your skin.

Remind yourself that you are not the reason for a gaslighter’s abuse. There is nothing you could or should have done differently to avoid being gaslit. The abusive behavior was not your fault—it was about the gaslighter’s attempts to control and manipulate you. 

Don’t try to argue with a gaslighter. Gaslighting is not a rational behavior and gaslighters will not respond to logic or admit their true motivation. If a partner, friend, or colleague turns a conversation into an opportunity to insult you or question your sanity or ability, step away from the discussion—and the relationship if possible.

Reduce exposure to the gaslighter.  And when possible, GET OUT of the relationship as fast as you can. 

Practice trusting yourself again. Once you have ended a relationship with a gaslighter, it may take some time and practice to start trusting your instincts and your perceptions again. Remember that the pictured the gaslighter painted of you is not the truth of who you are.